A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.
The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.
Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

Divorce Lawyers After Work

Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out “I’d sure like to screw him!” To which the other replied “Out of what?”

Renecks, you've got to love them!

15 Things you’ll NEVER hear a redneck say

15. You can't feed that to the dog.

14. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

13. Do you think my gut is too big?
12. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

11. Honey, we don't need another dog.
10. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
9. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. The tires on that truck are too big.

7. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

6. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe

5. We don't keep firearms in this house.

4. Duct tape won't fix that.

3. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
2. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

Redneck emergency

Emily Sue was deathly sick and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

This picture is called "Ultimate Redneck Airbags".

Rednecks goin to college

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

________________________________________________________

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
-A pimp.

ITS THE WEEKEND!

Relax.... Grab a beer.... Call mama.... And take a crap on your back porch

Here are 10 of my favorite pickup lines.

10. Hey baby, go over there and wait for me to have about 10 more beers, then come back.

9. [Note: for use when someone you know is getting married] Hi, I'm throwing the

bachelor/bachelorette party for a friend of mine, and I need a stripper. Interested?

8. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

7. You sure have a great looking tooth.

6 You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

5. Don't be so picky... I wasn't!

4.Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

3. Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.

2. Here is $10. Drink until Im really good looking, then come talk to me.

1. You might as well sleep with me because Im going to tell everyone we did it anyways.

And of course, Some Michael Jackson jokes:

If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.

I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "f*cking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?

A: There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

A true pimp!

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.
He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.
James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”
St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”
“Never” replies James.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!
The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!”

98% of drivers hit ice and yell "Oh sh*t" the other 2% are from Wisconsin and yell " Hold my beer and watch this!"