Monday, March 23, 2009

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.
The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.
Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”




Divorce Lawyers After Work


Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out “I’d sure like to screw him!” To which the other replied “Out of what?”

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Renecks, you've got to love them!

15 Things you’ll NEVER hear a redneck say
15. You can't feed that to the dog.
14. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
13. Do you think my gut is too big?
12. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
11. Honey, we don't need another dog.
10. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
9. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. The tires on that truck are too big.
7. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
6. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe
5. We don't keep firearms in this house.
4. Duct tape won't fix that.
3. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
2. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.



Redneck emergency


Emily Sue was deathly sick and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"



This picture is called "Ultimate Redneck Airbags".




Rednecks goin to college

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

________________________________________________________

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
-A pimp.


ITS THE WEEKEND!
Relax.... Grab a beer.... Call mama.... And take a crap on your back porch